I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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