hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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