Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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