M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
