Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
