if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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