Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
