they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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