I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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