Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
4 words: hood of his car
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
