the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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