I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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