Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
