i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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