Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
