My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My vagina is officially offended.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
