I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
