somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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