how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
