I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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