i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
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Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
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Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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