Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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