Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?