Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My life is pants optional.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
