and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
