I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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