Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
