can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
