i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
