Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
