It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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