dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
