70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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