she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
