I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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