I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
