I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
