I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
