'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
