Someone shit on the floor
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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