Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
