i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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