hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Welp...herpes.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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