im gay
i know
yea but for you.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
