So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
