at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
