omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
