What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
