I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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