I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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