If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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