She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
