you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
either way he was missing a nipple.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
